How do you deal with a Narcissist after a relationship?
I recently ended my 2 year relationship with my girlfriend.
In hindsight I think it was a very important experience for me to make and I don’t feel regret or fault for falling for a social-predator.
It was actually a truly fulfilling relationship at the beginning, and the first year things couln’t have seemed any better.
But, why did it come to an end now?
Because, there couldn’t possibly have been a more unfitting and worse point in time for me in my life for something like this to occur.
Narcissists aren’t the kind of people who will respect boundaries, be considerate for you and your situation, or devote any of their energy to mind your feelings. Narcissists will only do what they want, when they want it, and how they want it.
This “how” is very important in the sense that a Narcissist always need to have the control over the situation and you (whenever you are involved with one).
They just can not let anyone who isn’t undeniably superior to them take control or even decide how things should transpire.
Since they thrive on the control over others, over breaking up their defense and inserting themselves into every part of your life, like a parasite, and then, when they have taken everything they desired and changed you in ways they envisioned, they’ll drop you whenever they feel to do so. The worst part is that they will likely blame you and make you the reason for their departure.
You, who, until that point, will have usually devoted all your energy and effort to be the person that could please them.
How then can you defend yourself against them and the influence they’ll still have over you after they are already gone, enjoying the suffering and agony in which they have left you behind?
It is a difficult question, of course. Since they managed to insert themselves into most aspects of your life, you will likely have to suffer the memories, the shared emotions (which could indeed have been true to some degree, but will have been faked in many situations usually) and the pain.
They will have attempted to permanently delete you – the you who they tried to change – and ruin you, making you into a person who will be dependent on them even long after they broke up with you.
So, how can you break these barriers? I think I let you wait long enough.
The answer is as simple as it is effective:
Ignore them and try to find *your* happiness in areas of life you enjoy.
Get to know yourself again and understand who you really are, without their constant influence looming over your head like a shadowed guillotine.
It will drive them mad, since you aren’t giving them what they want. Your attention and energy.
Ignore all attempts of them to hurt you, contact you, or, in any sense, establish any sort of dominion over you. You should not even make an attempt for revenge or long monologue, in which you tell them of all their misconducts and violations of your being.
If you manage to ignore them and move on, not only will you have managed to break their influence over you and cast aside the chains they locked you in all this time, but you will make them quite unhappy, I even dare say frustrated.
If the Narcissist in your life can be shut out, do it. Don’t even spend another thought on contacting them. Blend him out but keep the feelings and experiences of the time with this person as a reminder. Not to harm you, but to reassure yourself in your being.
The Narcissist will try and take away your dignity, they will most likely even spread false information about you behind your back and spread your intimate and private feelings, thoughts and information.
So, if you are in a circumstance in which you can not simply walk away you need to come up with a counter-strategy. The Narcissist is certainly in his element if he has you in his reach, but that doesn’t mean you should just let him take over the situation. Don’t forget, you know what this person is and, in many cases, this person is unaware of her own nature. Their behavior is an urge Narcissists follow to keep themselves relevant in society.
The best thing to do is to avoid blaming them, as this will just feed into them. If the subject comes up, avoid the topic as best as possible with your friends and loved ones. But if it is absolutely unavoidable you should just answer in regard to yourself. Take them out of the picture, be calm and do not talk behind their back, like they will have done to you.
Over time, if the Narcissist is not too aware of his own nature, he will make mistakes, while you will seem like you have moved on.
He will still try and hurt you at every chance he gets, but you just need to be strong in that case, in a situation in which you can’t run.
You should still find new friends, new hobbies, new things that interest you and things which feel fulfilling to you.
This isn’t a task that you can accomplish in mere days or even weeks, but you need to proceed and let go, give up any hope of them returning or not being what you are already assuming.
Move on, take back the control over your life and push away any influence that might remain from them.
Make yourself whole again.