Marc Becky on Marc B Psychology (youtube)
Warum Narzissten-Eltern ihre Kinder nicht unterstützend auf das Leben vorbereiten
Marc Becky auf Marc B Psychology (youtube)
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“Salutations everyone, Marc Becky here.
Today‘s video regards a fairly somber topic, touched on very briefly in my first video. Even though we discuss serious subjects on this channel I always try to keep this content positive and empowering and if you watch through until the end I convey what I believe to be the silver lining in all this madness. If I am being honest, this was not a video I wanted to do but I was shocked at the dears of information on this platform regarding the reasoning behind narcissistic child neglect.
It is absolutely vital for survivors to recognize these patterns and address our subconscious grooming, otherwise we will continue attracting toxic and controlling people well into adulthood.
I tend to use the term narcissist or narc but this is more a general overview of the Cluster B – parenting style and why they don‘t teach their children.
As always this content is based solely on my insides as a narcissistic abuse survivor and a former co-dependent. It is not a substitute for treatment with a licensed professional.
We must realize, narcissists have neither the ability nor the desire to raise a healthy autonomous individual. For them children are always a means to an end. Usually a combination of attempting to ensnare an empathic partner resolve their own childhood issues through role reversal, fulfill gender-based societal norms, garner external validation to reinforce their false self and or grooming a never ending source of narcissistic supply. Someone who is perpetually indebted and sacrificing to the narcissist. A potential forever caretaker, quite literally a codependent slave.
As with most psychological disorders narcissism falls on a spectrum and some of these individuals can serve as passable caretakers, especially to newborns and infants. Unfortunately once a child reaches toddler years, the child‘s rapidly developing cognition is viewed as a challenge to the control of the narc parent.
Remember, narcissists are highly-vigilant individuals who assume everyone thinks like them and their children are no exeption to this world view. All interactions are perceived as competition or manipulation so they don‘t want to willingly give their children any advantages in this game.
Cluster B parents also envy the attention and love children seem to so effortless receive as well as the joy and hope they exude. They see all children as cruel, vain, disloyal and manipulative. The child‘s innocence disingenous, their emotions fake. Their clinginess and dependency is seen as an affront to these parents. Childhood is one giant malicious act and a threat to their power.
Now, this isn‘t always conscious or calculated. Remember, grandiose or lower functioning narcissists don‘t realize they‘re maladaptive.
They genuinely believe they are perfect people with perfect parenting skills. The sad truth is, these types don‘t teach their children simply because they don‘t see the child as worth teaching.
Overt narcs see themselves as the only real people in existence. We are all just 2 D holograms in their starring movie and anyone who isn‘t them is perceived as a play thing or a fancy appliance.
You wouldn‘t teach morals and life lessons to your vitamix (Anmerkung: Mixer). It‘s the same mentality.
Now, if you were raised by a vulnerable narcissist, psychopath or sociopath, your neglect was far more calculated. These types suffer from extreme paranoia and think, the only way to survive is by destroying the psyches of those around them before they themselves can be destroyed.
To accomplish this they need the child cemented in unhealthy coping skills, trauma responses and confusion. This is why they will take every opportunity they can, to make their children feel these children will never have a safe base to explore the world and their own cognition.
Instead they‘ll be made to feel every mistake is the end of the world. That they can never trust themselves and that their feelings and intuition must always be evaluated and questioned. This child is forbidden to individuate or have boundaries. Any form of uniqueness is loathed by the parent and personal growth is detested.
All of this cognitive dissonance causes extreme anxiety within the child, which is considered ideal for the disordered parent as not only are anxious people easier to control but narcissists absolutely revel in being surrounded by anxious, upset, exploitable people.
It temporarily puts their troubled minds at ease. Remember, most Cluster Bs are fear-based. This is why they prefer their worlds rigid predictable and under their control.
They don’t want their children able to make their own decisions because of the potential for uncertainty. These parents have no mechanism to internally validate themselves, so they must keep their children low vibration. They will always make the child feel inferior and inadequate and worthless. Otherwise they won‘t be able to project their own emptiness, subconscious shame and emotional instability onto them.
Misery truly does love company. If they don‘t get to have freedom and positive emotions then why should you? Whether conscious or not, narcissistic parents perceive themselves as failures, so their children must fail, too. And if the parent doesn‘t get to be authentic, then neither does the child.
Cluster B types fear authenticity because their parents rejected their true self, so they will do everything they can, get away with, to prevent their child from self-actualizing.
You having lack and insecurity in your life helps them regulate their own insecurities.
If you were to become successful or well-adjusted then they‘ll be forced to perceive you as more powerful than them.
It‘s a reminder that they‘re imperfect and these are perceptions that the narc spends their whole lifetime running away from and why they use all their bandwidth, projecting a false self and obtaining supply to buttress that false self. If they aren‘t the most intelligent person in the room, if they aren‘t group leader, to them this equates to a reminder of their failure and vulnerabilities.
All narcissists view confident, well-rounded people as a threat. Success in others forces them to reflect on why they couldn‘t achieve that same success.
Remember, this is a person whose entire life is dictated by two drivers, narcissistic supply and pathological envy. So the false self must always exude either superiority or victimhood.
This is why narcissists hate reality and have no interest in truth seeking.
They‘re all about appearences and reinforcing favorable narratives.
Knowledge in children counteracts feelings of worthlessness, insecurity and co-dependence, making them much harder to groom.
The less knowledge their children obtain the less they can trust themselves.
This is why children are trained, not taught.
Cluster B parents crave absolute power and control over their children and independence is seen as a threat to the parents.
Inherent value, deciciveness is perceived as rejection, so they make you think you‘re incapable of being right, that you‘re dumb and naïve and they need to be the interpreter of your reality, the arbiter of right and wrong. The sole source of validation for your thoughts and feelings.
If people need their constant attention and reassurance, that props up the false self reminding them that they actually exist.
But if you have a healthy foundation, childhood experiences transform into adult beliefs and narcissists are well aware of this.
They want to dictate how you show up in relationships. So by keeping you in the dark and not giving you any social skills, the goal is to not only cause you to aim low in life but to make others perceive you as low value as well.
The other main reason for the child‘s cognitive neglect is to hide abuse.
Higher functioning Cluster Bs are well aware that their abusive nature contradicts their meticulously crafted public image.
To combat this they need their children powerless, hopeless, unintuitive and innately broken, to make the child feel so fundamentally flawed that they deserve the mistreatment and no one from the outside world could ever accept them .
After all, if your own parent barely accepts you, then society at large certainly won‘t.
This child is constantly reminded how lucky they are to have the parent in their life. If this child were to obtain life skills that would risk them being able to differenciate right from wrong and see the abuse for what it is.
A clear, perceptive mind usually doesn‘t tolerate or enable abuse and dysfunction. Eventually their children become either too grown or too articulate to physical abuse and at this point the goal of the parent is to get the children to judge and criticize themselves.
If it‘s your own mind doing the dirty work for the narcissist, then they are absolved from looking abusive.
Narcissists learn from their parents that you‘re either a victim or a victimizer. Once they have children of their own it is now time to relive their childhood excerpt.
Now, they‘re the ones in control so they‘re going to do to you exactly what was done to them. To live out that power fantasy they need you demoralized, gullible and malleable.
For it is the parent‘s job to define you not yours and you‘re not allowed to have hopes or dreams or goals because to the narcissistic mind you having these things doesn‘t benefit them.
Your only permitted functions are to cater to them, give them attention and play one of two assigned roles, either the golden child or the scapegoat.
They golden child‘s role is to make the narc look good in public, reflect back all the traits of the narc‘s false self and to help the parent punish the outside world.
And the scapegoat‘s role is that of punishee, a psychological punching bag, who masochistically accepts blame for all the family‘s problems and imperfections and to absorb and personify all the traits the parent‘s false self either dislikes about itself or is unable to integrate.
To accomplish the molding of these roles, the parent replaces the children‘s authentic cells with negative emotions and unresolved feelings, otherwise they wouldn‘t buy into the parent‘s grandiosity and narrative.
Healthy coping skills and self-awareness threaten this shared fantasy. So instead the children are taught to believe that their value derives solely from what they can do for the parent and that they are the ones, responsible for the parent‘s capriciousness.
Remember, most Cluster Bs can‘t or won‘t accept that they have unresolved childhood trauma but they must appear perfect to the external world.
So they‘ll craft narratives and situations that they can blame for their internal negative feelings.
This is often accomplished through reactive abuse and triangulation of the scapegoat against the golden child. Pitting them in a pseudo competition for the parent‘s affection. It‘s a divide and conquer strategy that proves immensely amusing to the parent, fostering intense feelings of power and pleasure.
Perhaps the most ironic reason for a narcissistic parent‘s neglect is to avoid abandonment. Narcs have a subconscious fear of abandonment and a conscious fear that you‘re better off without them.
So, the less you know the more dependent you‘ll be and the more dependent you are, the less successful you‘ll be. Less success means less likelihood of you escaping, so these parents will deliberately prime their children to be unable to support or care for themselves.
If you feel ill prepared for life then you won‘t leave thus remaining an evergreen supply source.
But what they fail to understand is, no child, no matter how grown, wants to shun their parents. Even for those who have suffered horrific abuse, there‘s always a part of them that yearns for their parents’ love, acceptance, validation and support.
Unfortunately it‘s usually the parents‘ abusive and manipulative behavior that forces their children to go no contact.
Out of all the narcissistic dysfunction their attitude toward children has to be the most abhorrent. Purposely subjugating a tabula rasa child to chronic abuse, manipulation and neglect.
Then using the child‘s reactions and mistakes to justify depravity is a special kind of cruelty but it‘s important to realize that your parent is emotionally stunted, unable to recognize intrinsic human value and perpetually living in survival mode.
They are a victim of the very same toxic familial cycle as you, so try to exercise understanding for them and kindness to yourself.
Remember, you had to endure what you did to become the beautiful intuitive, empathic force of kindness you are today. And the fact you still have the wherewithal to attempt to understand your childhood means, your sense of self remains intact.
That means, your potential is limitless, the human brain is incredibly elastic. Healing is possible. Thousands have overcome this type of upbringing and you will, too.
Thank you for watching.“
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